Bad Day

category: general [glöplog]
"But why loosing my energy in that? Why loosing it here???"

What's the point in "having energy" if you don't want to do anything with it (or lose it, as you put it)?
added on the 2004-01-28 15:46:14 by cj7 cj7
I am really wondering what most people want from life. I can't read their souls. And I am wondering what I really want then. Somehow, to live a normal life was ok for me, but I wanted something, I always wanted something.

Now that is something. Seriously.. I think that you are one of the most honest people writing here. Alotof more honest than me..

Imho: You are searching for God.. when I have this questions, when I see no sense the only "thing" that makes sense in my life is God.

It's interesting.. the man seems to be the only animal that isn't content in just eating and sleeping and reproducing..??
added on the 2004-01-28 16:19:41 by phred phred
argh. that is what most religious people say: like,
you feel empty, maybe you are searching god. its
just his frustration that there is no point and meaning
in life... baah

(just typign something to this thread, coz iam bored)
added on the 2004-01-28 16:41:44 by uns3en_ uns3en_
yes, I think because he is frustrated he searches for more.
But I think he is frustrated cause he doen't fill his life with empty things.
I mean, what is really different in not feeling frustrated and feeling just that?
Isn't it like men are trying to fill the void with things and stuffing everything into and optimus has stopped stuffing?

Sure this all sounds religious.. I can't help.
And.. yes I am bored too and at work nothing works.. what a mess..
added on the 2004-01-28 16:57:13 by phred phred
too true

most people think that working, doing some useless shit in your spare time, then dying seems kind of pointless and there must be something more to do. Not many people find anything better, they just learn to live with it.

And finding that the reason for living is that god made you, its all a big test, and you'll go join some great party in the sky sounds less like something that fills that empty whole in your life, and more like a bad excuse that covers the whole to me too.
added on the 2004-01-28 16:59:16 by psonice psonice
psonice: I agree that it sounds wicked.
But nontheless I believe this is the truth.
Do you have other suggestions that this solution?
added on the 2004-01-28 17:09:20 by phred phred
you must consum your secret life until you become obsessed for beeing an unreal superhero
added on the 2004-01-28 17:09:24 by psenough psenough
resistance is futile!
added on the 2004-01-28 17:10:22 by psenough psenough
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added on the 2004-01-28 17:14:07 by dalezr dalezr
trust life's drugs they are here to save you from the insanity offered by the media
added on the 2004-01-28 17:19:17 by psenough psenough
trust the moomin! he is here to guide you optimus!
added on the 2004-01-28 17:23:30 by psenough psenough
phred: yeah, another solution is that the universe is here for no apparent reason, when you die it's permanent, and the only thing you can do about it is propogate.

Saying that god made the universe is just another poor excuse, because who made god?
added on the 2004-01-28 17:24:45 by psonice psonice
"living with many addictions is easy - you don't have to think, just follow your insticts"
added on the 2004-01-28 18:00:57 by blala blala
I don't know Optimus. But I think you a play a good role already as the anonymous scener who speaks what is often in the minds of others. That is, feelings that most of us would not open up and share because of our inhibitions. Perhaps there should should be a scene blog site where other sceners might feel more welcome and open to do the same thing.
added on the 2004-01-28 21:12:58 by dsp dsp
blala: that sounds very familiar, but I can't remember in which prod it was.
added on the 2004-01-28 21:43:33 by mri mri
doomsday by boost :)
added on the 2004-01-28 21:58:49 by Gargaj Gargaj
i mean BOOST BY DOOMSDAY... damn :)
added on the 2004-01-28 21:59:06 by Gargaj Gargaj
yes. i could also write: "boost your mind, get near to death"
added on the 2004-01-28 22:38:49 by blala blala
God is stock reply to human ignorance, human fear, human wonder.

Science killed God.

next God is UAI. Ultimate Artificial Intelligence.

added on the 2004-01-29 10:00:08 by Zest Zest
blala, gargaj: aa yes. I've been wondering if Dice or Wode have a book at home by that Seppu Nuutinen guy, and just picks some "vice words" for each demo. I guess I could ask them though. :-)
added on the 2004-01-29 10:23:59 by mri mri
I agree with psonice: Believing in god doesn't answer to the question of what the purpose of life is or any question as you'll still have to ask about the purpose of god. Frankly, making up some guy that should be the reason for everything is lying to yourself, nothing more than a stupid excuse for not understanding the purpose of life.

Purpose is something life (or evolution) came up with. There was no purpose for anything before someone started thinkin there was. That's why you can't figure out a purpose for life but only a life for purpose (clever, eh ;).

Some seem to think that a question that can't be answered is a good question but they're wrong. Those are stupid questions (unless they are meant as a joke)! The point in questions is that they can be aswered. "Good questions" are the ones that are difficult to answer. That's a huge difference.

We have life and as a characteristic of living beings we want to live. This is a logical consequence of the evolution of species. We can live our lives and do things that make us happy. Isn't that just so damn cool?

I hope optimus doesn't "find God". As I see it, what he's looking for is just something to do. It's not really that deep.

I'm going back to sleep now ;)
added on the 2004-01-29 13:02:47 by cj7 cj7
Ok, you're doing philosophic, eh..? :-)

It's a common argument that evolution brought this sense of life question.
But in talking about evolution this way, you suppose there's no God so the gloal of this evolution-track can't be God because he has no been before..
I mean when you start without God you cannot come to God. Like this you say God is an invention of men.

But when you start with God and then you have the purpose question then the answer can be God..

So you cannot come with "evolution is truth" and then argue about God.. ok?
btw: I believe in evolution as the way things happened but I believe the source was God.

And yes, the question about "who made God" isn't solved either. I say, you cannot answer that because we are here in a world with causality and stuff and God is probably outside this system.. well.. that's about the explanation about the starting of the universe: Without time you have no causality so the universe also just exists.. eeehm.. yeah, perhaps it's the same thing we are talking about then..?? :-)

Ah yes.. I LOVE this discussions.. it's a shame the heaven7-thread died..
added on the 2004-01-29 13:38:49 by phred phred
I was wondering what was the matter with me yesterday. Of course, it started without any concerns, just like "I am bored of life, so let's write something crazy on Pouet again!", but then again it had some points inside I got serious about, rethinking them later while going back home. I wanted to open my notebook and write my thoughts (You see,. I want to be creative even with the things that matters me bad) but just the view of my computer got me tired. I decided to keep my energy for once. I realize that I am constantly loosing too much energy. Perhaps I will get a heart attack earlier in my life. I know this but I don't care now (why?). There was no reason to do anything that day, so I decided to take some rest. I was thinking more about these things in my bed till I slept..

I woke up and felt better. I read some tutorials about asm coding from HUGi. I wanted to start with FPU assembly for my 64b intro. Actually, I didn't. I finished instead my 32b entry for 0A000h and my 64b entry in the morning too. I was happy for being a little active and my mood is diferrent today. I will bring more stuff at 0A000h, my 256b entry is half finished, my 4kb is 25% finished and I might code an 1kb game entry too. I don't know about how life will be tomorrow though..

One point is that my mood just goes up and down. Common thing, I know. But,. if I'll give it a try to show you the little things that matters and are part of myself and my scene activity, I can do it now. There are two powers inside myself. A very serious self and one that wants to be free. I could choose to just do relaxing things like watching demos and just going to demoparties as my free self would like, but I don't feel well if I am not creative. I can then choose to be active and even work hard (I am a perfectionist too) for some release but then I don't want to tire myself, either I am too lazy or I just want to enjoy it while being creative. It's not possible (yet) to get a balance. That's why I was always wondering if many of the coders on the scene really enjoy it when they code hard for hours or days even at demoparties! Is there something I am missing? I can't imagine how it would be to code so many hours and not feel tired or needing to rest or do anything else. While I can enjoy hours of playing games or surfing on the net without getting the same tired. But I don't want to do this because I want to feel that I did something creative in my computer. Usually, if I start coding, I code for 2-3 hours and then my activity drops. And perhaps I am a slow coder and I can't concentrate too. Or sometimes I work a bit more till I see that I achieved a visual result on my monitor and then I am enough sattisfied and tired to stop. Only at rare times I oppresed myself to work for 10 hours per day, like in my 1st CPC demo, and the results made me think that it was worth of the trouble. But can I do this anymore?

There is the inbalance and there is why I can't produce that much for the scene. Or as much as I'd like. And then comes my childhood (or after 18) dreams of becoming a cool computer freak and then a famous scener as I learned the demoscene. But these are old things, I forgot them since it doesn't matter me what I can be rather than what I can do. I only like to enjoy being creative now. But it's hard to enjoy that. And it's even harder to stop being active. I think I am stuck in the middle. It's not "Pan Metron Ariston" as many people say and that annoys me. It's not finding serenity even in the middle..

That's why I am trying to find a balance, still being in the scene but enjoying it. I think I killed it in my mind, or I have connected negative feelings with demoscene activity and my computer (why do I sit in my computer and instantly feel tired sometimes?). Another thing I wanted to say is the other thing that played a bad role to this negative connection. Of course the fact that at that time I wanted to do a lot of stuff on my computer, my parents were very anxious about me and then they didn't allowed me sometimes to work on my computer. Then I was a bit anxious that I would never make it if my computer use is so restricted. Two opposite forces. And more things..

In very few words: I have to struggle in order to stay active on my computer. I can just stop doing that but then I will be unhappy for not being creative or doing anything (hmm,. a part of cj7's post said that!) serious in my life. I know I have to find a balance so that I can be creative and happy at the same time..

This is one of the part that was hidden in my text and thoughts. It could have been written in much fewer text, oh well..

p.s. It's nice to see that some people have started discussing these seriously and I totally appreciate this. Not that I don't like the funny comments too (especially PS references to demos ;) but nevertheless I didn't expected a philosophical discussion to start from my silly thread..
added on the 2004-01-29 14:46:32 by Optimus Optimus
Being up and down even in my purpose: Before coming here, I was walking sometimes alone and thinking things very seriously (or mostly talking with myself on the road so much like more than here with strong passion. Oh god,. what kind of loss of energy!) since years. Always being anxious about my inexistant scene activity and other real life matters. Connecting some strange philosophical things to these and my personality too. But that was huge!!! Some days ago here in Karlsruhe while riding my bicycle, I said "Oh well! Why do I complicate matters so much, instead of seeing life easier? There are so many little things that I ignore and could bring serenity!". I was just living without caring. It lasted for one week. Yesterday I was thinking it very seriously again (serious self returned back!) till I got so pissed off that I decided to sleep, rest and not think it back. It worked..

Now I am thinking it, only the fact that I was and still am sometimes anxious for not being active in the demoscene, goes back as a boomerang and destroys even more my mood to produce anything in my computer. But I know the roots again (Old anxiety from 18, constraints from my parents, perhaps more) that made my wish for scene activity and creativity so wicked and with bad feelings :P
added on the 2004-01-29 15:04:03 by Optimus Optimus
Also, some could connect this with depression. Being down at days, not being able to do anything creative even if there is a wish to, etc. I am still not sure whether depression is an illness and at which cases, what I have to do with that. But I never thought that I have something to do with it. I just learned that every person is sometimes up and down (perhaps some more) and that it's natural. I didn't had to name my bad mood with something in order to say "That's the way it is, just accept it and don't be sad about it". I don't know. Anyways,. with me it must be the triggers in my childhood when I wanted to be creative on my computer but had to struggle with that, the negative connected feelings. I wish I would be engaged with demomaking because of enjoying it and not so hard as it is now. But I don't know if I can reverse it now..
added on the 2004-01-29 15:11:16 by Optimus Optimus