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ASCII Art Intro by Reservoir Gods [web]

                                 CWMVENTION 97

                          R E S E R V O I R    G O D S

                                ASCII ART INTRO


Hullo and welcome to the Reservoir Gods 'Ascii Art Intro'. Nice.
Join us  as  the  gods  go  on  a  freestyle  jazz-text  odyssey,  throwing  the
conventional rules of text placement quite literally out of the window.
Its textual art of the highest calibre. And boy, does it feel good.

Who would have thought that 256 different  8x8 groups of pixels could contain so
much funk? They  can  be  sculpted  into  breathtaking  arrangements of visually
explosive art. And there is also Mr Pink's effort.

But is it art?

Or is it just ascii?

We asked an expert. Professor Hilbert  Anuspalace  has  written a thesis on this
very topic, and he is currently struggling to get anyone to take him seriously.

"The problem is theez stuck up academics  with  their arses so far up their arse
that they come out of the bottom! They do  no  see the value in my work! It is a
post-modernist piece of textual terrorism, not  containing language, per se, but
conveying much more in the striking  patterns  of characters that arrived on the
page as I jumped on my typewriter."

We turned our attention to self style Ascii watchdog, David Mellor.

"Has anyone seen my cheese? I stashed  it  in left cheek, just behind the molars
and its been bloody stolen! Its an  absolute disgrace! I'm thinking of going for
the diarylea triangles. If you  make  a  regular  serious  of marks around their
curved edge you can  use  them  as  small  protractors  for  angles  of up to 45
degrees!"

A final word comes from Davey Jones, Taxi no 302, Liverpool.

"ASCII artists? String 'em up!  Its  the  only language they understand! They're
already bloody pinko puffs! No wonder  the  french  farmers have gone mad! I had
that Mrs Thatcher in the back of my cab once. Bloody nice bloke."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The History Of ASCII - With Robert Miles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi  Kids!  Robert  Miles  here!  Today  we   are  looking  at  the  strange  and
controversial history of ASCII.

When  computers  were  first  invented,  they  didn't  have  any  characters  as
everything was just  stored  in  binary.  Keyboards  were  very  simple affairs,
consisting of only two keys - a 0  and  a  1. So even two fingered typists could
say they were touch typists. Incidentally  I  only  use  two fingers to play the
piano - well my thumbs actually. Pianos  are  very  much like binary - there are
two types of keys, black ones and  white  ones and they make different sounds! I
haven't tried  using  the  white  keys  yet,  as  they  are  only  for  the more
adventurous (or mad!!!) people.

ASCII was invented in 1954 by Chesney  Hawkes.  Like all the best ideas, Chesney
stumbled on the  discovery  by  accident.  He  was  working  late  in his toilet
developing a new form of Raspberry &  Blackcurrant yoghurt that could survive an
atomic explosion when he became mesmerised by the swirling patterns of seeds. He
reasoned that you  can  allocate  a  different  letter  to  a  raspberry just by
counting the number of seeds it  contained.  He  christened this the Atomic Seed
Counting Implied Index or ASCII.

This theory was later revised  by  the  frenzied  work of two obsessive Austrian
scientists Kruder & Dorfmeister. Their jealousy of each others efforts propelled
them to ludicrous extremes.  Dorfmeister  actually  developed  the first reverse
interpolated ASCII standard for the rare  cabbage based ancient Persian language
of 'Kremata'. Kruder countered this  by  developing  a  form of ASCII that coped
particularly well at high altitudes  and  low  temperatures. It is believed that
William Haigh used this strain of  ASCII  during  his stag night celebrations on
Ben Nevis.

Not one  to  be  outdone,  Dorfmeister  created  Quantum  ASCII  in  which every
character  could   theoretically   represent   millions   of   other  characters
simultaneously. But Kruder had an ace up his sleeve; sub-atomic ASCII which only
needed one electron to represent each character.

Infuriated, Dorfmeister locked himself away in  Austrian Onion Dungeon for eight
years developing one of the most controversial  strains of ASCII known to modern
day  science.  Viral  ASCII  could  actually  replicate  itself,  spreading  its
character representation  to  other  systems  and  displacing  their  format for
storing text. Cautiously, Dorfmeister  experimented  with  his  viral ASCII on a
local hair saloon. Pleased by the results,  he was ready to declare himself king
of ASCII when disaster struck. The viral  ASCII  had  got out into the wild with
devastating results. It was spreading and  reproducing faster than Earl Spencer.
And worse, it was mutating, and becoming unrecognisable from the original form.

The result was pandemonium.

From early annoyances like shop signs becoming  muddled up ( a famous early case
was that of an 'Andreas Purlitz  General  Stores' store sign mutating into 'Anus
Gurgle Porn Garden'. The viral ASCII was  not  only  vicious, but it had a bawdy
sense of humour. Soon  street  signs  were  becoming  jumbled, newspapers became
illegible. Libraries were no more  that  vast  stores of fluctuating characters,
often forming viciously filthy texts to frighten the bashful librarians.

A UN taskforce was set up to liberate  Vienna from the clutches of the ASCII. It
was led by the heroic Gyles  Brandreth  of the 'Speak English Clearly Campaign',
but he was fighting a losing battle  as  this was Austria. But, by an incredible
coincidence he found the viral ASCII  completely  outwitted by his collection of
diamond patterned cardigans. Any contact  with  the  dreaded woollen garment and
the ASCII would perish.  The  quick  thinking  dimwit  sent  a fleet of Hercules
planes to blanket bomb the city with  cardigans. The plague was cleared! And the
world was saved! Proud of his  achievement,  Gyles  Brandreth stood for Mayor of
Vienna but lost horribly as  everyone  still  hated him. Humiliatingly enough he
got less votes  then  Patric  Loopdaloophatstandburpgurdle  of  the "Progressive
Tapestry Anti-Parsnip Alcoholic Towel Alliance".  Gyles  crawled back to Chester
to spend his life in tortuous exile (guest appearances on Countdown).

By these standards, modern day ASCII  seems  relatively tame. It maybe dull, but
it does its job - its standard, monotonous and highly formulated. Rather like my
songs!! Only joking! (Don't worry, you're sacked anyway. DeConstruction Boss).


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Fun With ASCII Art - by TV's Jeremy Paxman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey kids! ascii can be F U N!

See how I spaced out the characters of fun! That is the 'art' bit.
And its loads of fun!

LISTEN TO ME HAIGH YOU IDIOT!

Only having a laugh! But see how you can SHOUT with ascii?

M    E   O    U     A   N
 R  R D O D  O  A E    U T
  .    W    Y    R    C   !

See how the ascii flows like waves breaking over a shore?
Like the WAVES of PUBLIC RESENTMENT crashing over the FAILED tory party.
Eh, Dr. Mahwinney?
You call yourself a doctor, but what exactly are you a doctor of?
Let me rephrase that, you SHOULD call  a  doctor yourself, your party is in such
bad health, eh?

Sorry, just practising for the next edition of

 ### ### #   # ###
 # # #   #   # #     /| /  | /   | | ÿ|ÿ
 # # ##  #   # ###  / |/   | \/  |ÿ|  |
 # # #   # # #   #
 # # ### ##### ###

See, more ascii art fun?

Notice the bold, sombre characters to create the 'NEWS' part of the logo.
They are big. They are brash. They say "BONG! THIS IS IMPORTANT SO LISTEN UP GIT
FACE OR I'LL RIP YOU TO PIECES WITH MY LONG DRAWLED OUT YEEESSSSSS"
But see night! It is  delicate,  elegant!  A  pretty  young lady, dressed in the
finest silk,  looking  beautiful.  Unlike  my  co-presenters.  Who  are probably
lesbians.

So is ascii fun?

 *    *
  *  *
   **  ****
   **  *
   **  **   eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!
   **  *
   **  ****

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Who Is Responsible For This Nonsense
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 The ASCII art intro is a sort of collected works.
 A compilation album.
 "The Best ASCII Art Intro In The World Ever" you could say.
 by Various Artists.
 well, mainly by Reservoir Gods members.
 and Arnel.
 who isn't a Reservoir Gods member.
 and got disqualified from the 'Best Desktop' competition by voting for himself.
 that's like voting for yourself in the 'Most Modest' competition.
 bit of a catch 22 situation...

  "Nobody Who Hasn't Seen This Intro Before Doesn't Hate It"

 Which is obviously true.
 But when the statement is true, it implies it must be false.
 PARADOX alert!

 PARADOX is a good name for a tampon.
 "PARADOX - work brilliantly when you are not having your period"
  In our tests, we poured no blue liquid on our PARADOX tampons and
  absolutely nothing leaked out! They were completely dry! So as long
  as you don't get them wet or sticky, they are the driest tampons about.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The ASCII Gurus
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* Tim 'Desperate' Dann

Tim is well versed in the ancient Chinese art of anal sumo.
He can flatten opponents of up to 18 stones  with a well timed flick of  his bum
cheeks.

* Charles 'BushWhacker' Waddington

Charles is an expert in the ancient Chinese art of Timidhido.
This involves hiding silently in  bushes  for  weeks on end, breathing backwards
and surviving on small leaves and grass. The aim is to annoy worms by completely
ignoring them, refusing  to  speak  to  them  and  not  even acknowledging their
presence. More experience exponents of the art  get to tickle snails with pieces
of straw.

* Arnel 'Barnel' Darnel

Arnel is an expert in the ancient Chinese art of Barn construction.
Every night he secretly slips out  of  his luxurious Gloucester based mansion to
create another mighty erection. Barns  have  been  mysteriously springing up all
over the west country and have been  spotted  as far north as the Peak District.
Asked who he was building  the  barns  for,  Arnel  cryptically cried "Mice" and
galloped away cackling manically. Strange bloke.

* MS 'Messy' G

MSG is an expert in the ancient Chinese art of Noodolus Cookus.
Unfortunately we know nothing about  this  mysterious  black  science as all its
member are sworn to secrecy,  on  threat  of  being  played the new Robert Miles
single.
MSG wrote the crazee music whilst drugged out of his head on pringles.
MSG created 3 pieces of ASCII for this intro which is a world record.

* Sparehead 'Squeegee' 3

sh3 is an expert in the ancient Chinese art of windscreen washing.
This involves him leaping out from  behind  Belisha Beacons clutching his bucket
and mop and wiping  car  windows,  whilst  merrily  whistling  the bassline from
Natural Born Chillers' "Rock The Funky Beat". Finishing his job, he goes over to
the driver. "10 bob mate." he says  cheerfully,  before his tone gets deeper and
more menacing "Or I blow  the  whole  joint  up."  With  this  he shakes his mop
dangerously above his head. 'It is a terrifying sight' said Kate Aidie.

* Mr 'Wink' Pink

Mr Pink is an expert in the ancient Chinese art of Winkus Wankus.
This means he can wink with both eyes simultaneously!
The other practice of this art is more difficult to explain.
Mr Pink did all the coding for the intro, so that explains why it is so bad.

* Rip 'Lip' ley

Ripley is an expert in the ancient Chinese art of Lippus Extendicus.
She has spent years exercising the muscles  in  her lower lip and can know shape
it into any form, from a hexagon to the circuit diagram of a 68000.
She can also extend her lip distances of up to 2 miles from her face!
She is yet to find a use for this ability.

* 'The' Tat 'In The Hat'

Tat was created by American educational author Dr. Seuss.
He lives in the fictional town of SmithyBridge where all the houses are numbered
alphabetically and all the streets rhyme with other.
His code is based on repetition  (  using  dbra  loops, which haven't quite made
their way into childrens text yet ).
He does own a hat that bears the legend 'Burnley FC'.
By night he plots  the  downfall  of  Chris  Waddle  using  an  intricate set of
trigonomic equations, reams of graph paper  and convoluted diagrams with lots of
arrows pointing in seemingly random directions.
He predicts that Burnley could be top of  the league "If only they didn't use an
8-bit data bus". And we all thought they got on the no. 79.
Tat coded the fantastic abc tracker.  (*  NB  was  'dsp  tracker', but had to be
renamed  by  Dr.  Seuss  who  claimed  the  letters  'dsp'  were  alphabetically
ambiguous)

* You

Yes you!
You are expert in the ancient Chinese art of Readus Readmeus Docus.
 ( All this Chinese stuff sounds Latin to me. Language Ed )
You own an Atari Falcon 030 with 4 Megabytes of memory and colour display.
Alternatively, you don't have an Atari  but you enjoy downloading atari software
just so that you can read  the  read_me.doc  files and you are therefore totally
and utterly bonkers. (Hi Phoenix!)

* Not You

You are the person who didn't download this intro because you thought it sounded
shit and are not reading this read_me file.
Well you're not missing much...
...only the best ASCII art intro ever to descend onto your beloved atari!
And you couldn't even be arsed to download it.
Typical.
Doesn't really take much effort does it?
Unless you are using a nasty PC and Nitscape/Expoorer crashes all the time.
In which case, why don't you create your  own  piece of ascii art and send it to
us?
Then we can laugh at you.

................................................................................
....COMING SOON....COMING SOON....COMING SOON....COMING SOON...COMING SOON......
................................................................................


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 DECIBEL

  MAGGIE 25

 RESERVOIR GODS CD

  REPUBLIC

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 And lots of other crazy stuff that we haven't even thought of yet!

  All EXCLUSIVE to the Atari Falcon 030

          r.g.
   " Flying High in 97 "

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 I WANT YOUR ADDRESS
-----------------------------------------------------------cut here-------------

 mrpink_rg@hotmail.com
    sh3_rg@hotmail.com
    msg_rg@hotmail.com
 ripley_rg@hotmail.com

 http://www.acs.bolton.ac.uk/~msg1css/maison.htm

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