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Relationship breakup, what next?

category: offtopic [glöplog]
Hi, I'sorry for this big offtopic theme, but this is the place where I think there are many friendly and helpful people I can trust, and I suppose my problem is not new for someone here. My question is how did you (if ever) fight with break up in a relationship? I mean, I broke up just today, and I feel completely useless, with no real friends and with the feeling that everything just ended and there's no reasonable future. I even don't have any need to make something on a computer, my head and mind is empty, burned out. I have no motivation to do anything. Do you think this will take long time? I'm really afraid my depressions will come back soon, if anything positive happens. It's kind a psycho, sorry for that... The obligatory suggestion "make a demo about that" doesn't work for me, sadly :( I'm asking myself why do I live for, when any relationship breaks up after some time? The best thing would be not to enter any relationship at all, but that doesn't work. I need someone to love me and vice versa. Hmm, complicated. Perhaps this is the wrong site to complain, sorry :(
added on the 2013-06-23 23:10:34 by aki aki
It is just about time. It takes its time. Meanwhile try to have your mind occupied with things... it won't be easy to do things at first, but after that you will find again the things you like to do, and step by step, day by day, you will be feeling better and better :)
added on the 2013-06-23 23:17:34 by texel texel
Congrats!

Bitches ain't shit.
Breaking up, especially after a long time, is pretty much like going cold turkey on drugs. It's hard indeed.
The usual rule of thumb is that it will take you half the time the relationship lasted to get over the loss of it, but it may take much longer than that (or shorter, if you're lucky).
If you think there is no chance at all to unbreak the relationship, use every opportunity to avoid "pussy lag".
In general, go out. Meet people. Enjoy the weather. Drink alkohol. Party hard. Distract yourself. Do new things. Live.
The motivation to do nerdy things like making demos will come back eventually, don't concern yourself with that for now.
Realize that your brain is made of wetware, and your mind will sooner or later cope with the situation. Don't panic. Whenever you'll feel like crap in a weak moment, embrace the feeling, know that there's no light without shadow, and that it's just a temporary low. Move on.
added on the 2013-06-23 23:25:44 by Krill Krill
Quote:
In general, go out. Meet people. Enjoy the weather. Drink alkohol. Party hard. Distract yourself. Do new things. Live.
The motivation to do nerdy things like making demos will come back eventually, don't concern yourself with that for now.
This.

And no, this isn't the wrong site, and you're not complaining. Life tends to do these things, and not all major events carry a positive, constructive vibe. Wishing you the best of luck, good days will come I'm sure of it!
added on the 2013-06-23 23:55:00 by numtek numtek
It's indeed a rough topic, but an important one too, I think. You might think of your new life as a single, as something you need to learn. Everything you have to learn, takes time. Think of the first time you (tried to) ride a bike. Then think of the second, third and fourth. You got bruised in the process, had bleeding knees and probably thought that you perhaps was just that one kid, who would never ever learn how to ride a bike. But you probably did, and hopefully with all your teeth intact :)

So as texel and Krill say - try not to focus too much on the hurting right now, even though it probably seem to be the only thing there is. Take your time, cry your guts out, call friends at 3am in the morning and every time you find yourself in one of those "bad" situations, like eating your first meal alone, sleeping without someone by your side the first couple of times, think of it as the bleeding knees from your childhood lessons on how (not to) ride a bike. Because that's actually what people do best. Find ways how not to do things.
added on the 2013-06-24 00:10:38 by Punqtured Punqtured
The answer is already there in your question. Yes, your relationships so far have broken up - they often do. Yet you know it's better to love somebody than to be alone.

So you already know the answer - it's better to have loved and to feel the pain if it doesn't work out, and once the pain has passed you will love again. It's a cycle, and you're at the low point, bear with it and you'll soon rise back up.

For now, accept the pain the way you accepted the love before it, it's all part of living, and when you understand the pain and what you risk the love is all the sweeter when you find it again.
added on the 2013-06-24 00:16:12 by psonice psonice
hey,
I've coped with similar situation i think, maybe in a smaller scale, and one thing worked for me, so maybe it's valuable to share it: the value of oneself lies within him/her , i doesn't depend on who we are at the moment. It's always hard when we broke up with the ones we love, but I thing a good idea is to wish them all the best and cherish the good moments spent together. And once again- remember that your valuable nad cool beside who you are with at the moment. Good luck and cheer up!
added on the 2013-06-24 00:23:15 by gorgh gorgh
I've experienced everything from a sense of freedom to having to check myself in to a psych ward and heavy mood stabilizing medication.

It can hurt like physical pain, it can take the joy out of everything in life, making even the things most dearest like demomaking and video games uninteresting, pointless and seemingly pathetic attempts to escape the "real" things that the pain of separation brings.

Then you meet somebody else and the cycle begins anew. There's really no other option but to try again and make sure that it won't happen again and you don't get hurt again. You still probably will, but I'd say it's worth it.

After a time has passed I find myself still thinking of mostly the good things I experienced in relationships instead of wallowing in the separation pains. Still, sometimes, things just remind me of situations, words, songs, whatever, with that certain person from my past... and it still picks open that old scar. Just for a moment, the pain lingers, and subsides.

Fuck. Oh well. That's my truth anyway.
added on the 2013-06-24 00:25:40 by visy visy
it will take time to get over.

meet old friends and meet new people to make some new ones.

added on the 2013-06-24 00:45:49 by nosfe nosfe
LMAO @ love and the intrinsic value of humans. Do you guys believe in the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus too?

Then again if "love" brings you happiness and Santa brings gifts... keep on believing I guess?

But alcohol is only useful as a suicide aide in these situations. Don't drink.
ready2die: if you don't value yourself thats your problem, not ours
added on the 2013-06-24 00:53:06 by gorgh gorgh
alcohol is actually sometimes a pretty fucking excellent tool for breakup situations. as, it can bring you to new relationships!
added on the 2013-06-24 01:02:08 by nosfe nosfe
gorgh: Well depends what you mean by "problem". I'd say seeing things for what they are is both a blessing and a curse.

Your beliefs aren't a problem for me either. Having one's beliefs projected as truth is something of a pet peeve of mine though. But I appreciate that you were giving him a virtual pat on the back instead of taking part in a philosophical discussion.
A couple of do's and dont's -
  • do get your stuff from her and pack her shit in a box - the longer you have to deal with the logistics the more it's going to drag out
  • do wallow - a few days maybe a week, ring your mum and have a cry if you need to
    do some silly things - just remember
    don't shit where you eat - no office romances, new relationships or exes
    do lose your exes phone no. and
    don't go out to where you might see them - if it over, it's over and all you'll end up doing is causing yourself pain and looking like a fool
    do get your shit together in a week or 2 - find something new and interesting to do that fulfills you and keeps you moderately busy
    do give it a month or so then start going out socially to meet people (despite the intrinsic truth about what nosfe said)
    don't just go to bars - your liver and sobriety won't thank you for it - also beer goggles! Mate of mine met his missus playing bingo! Try some different places to meet people.

Married for 15 years so I'm a bit rusty but HTH.
added on the 2013-06-24 01:18:50 by ringofyre ringofyre
i just had to lol looking at that csdb photo of your factor. there's just been that stupid emo crybaby cliché in the back of my head. :D
added on the 2013-06-24 02:09:20 by yumeji yumeji
anyway. get rid of her stuff. life goes on. go party. see people. maybe don't drink too much. alcohol can be a pretty downer. maybe smoke some. get inspired. create some. fill your head with distraction. pray for good weather. have some good music with you. change a lil bit. and maybe meet her casually with friends that can ease alot if you're willing to let loose. and she might wanna see you can deal with it.
added on the 2013-06-24 02:55:42 by yumeji yumeji
It will take time. More or less, depends on the person itself. Some things you can do have been said alreaday. Do something, this will make you - at least a little bit - busy and you won't have time to think too much about it. And try to love yourself because of who you are, what you do. You are not less worthy because there is no one by your side. And don't do any stupid shit.
At least you are on the next stage. Free to live again and search for the next one. With past experiences. Keep going strong mate!

I am not sure what's more sad for me, having another break up which is not improbable to happen, or never had the opportunity to have a relationship. I try to accept my own fact that I am 33 and the idea still seems distant, and if I ever gone through the relationship->break up cycle I would be happy for myself. But I am a different case, I currently don't understand, I think I would go through this easily because break ups happen all the time, it's not a surprise. But I (hope) I will find out soon too..

Anyway, keep strong. And what everybody else said.
added on the 2013-06-24 09:08:51 by Optimus Optimus
Lesson to learn: Friends are as important as girlfriends...
added on the 2013-06-24 10:26:09 by raer raer
You need to live your life the way that it would make you happy even if you were to be alone the rest of your life.

Relationships are an addition to your life, they are not your *whole* life. In the end, the only person you're going to spend the rest of your life with is yourself. Don't build your life so it breaks down like a card of houses every time a relationship ends.

It's normal to feel such negative feelings, some people are even thinking suicide after a break-up. The old cliche works - time heals. It's called a breakup because it's broken. Don't try to mend something that wasn't working, it's time to move on. I can't stress the first paragraph enough. Nobody else can't go into your head and make you feel the feelings you're feeling - only you can make yourself feel better.
added on the 2013-06-24 10:44:42 by jenni jenni
Quote:
I'm asking myself why do I live for, when any relationship breaks up after some time.

Quote:
I need someone to love me


Learn to live for by yourself, for yourself. That is the key to being happy in any situation, and it's also a key to having a succesful relationship (and very hard sometimes). What Jenni says is completely true.
added on the 2013-06-24 11:20:38 by Preacher Preacher
Call up all those buddys you've been ditching during your relationship. They will maybe take you back and listen to you whine about your ex.
Whining to your friends about your ex is allowed, but don't go whining too long thought, or they will start ditching you.

That said, a lot of creative and awesome art/music/literature has been made while the person was heartbroken or depressed, so maybe you can turn a bad thing to make something creative.

Cliche song I know , but I just had to :)
added on the 2013-06-24 12:59:41 by tFt tFt
Heh, thx for the answers and suggestions. It's quite early to say 'let's live your life!' 1 day since the breakup, but, at least I can feel a kind of freedom now. I'll try not to think of it and do other things. My heart is damned broken now so I hope time will cure it.
added on the 2013-06-24 14:10:15 by aki aki

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